The summer of my CPEdification

Some of you longtime readers may remember last summer, when I was the one who would diligently post something each week about my summertime goings-on. As you may have noticed, this summer I've officially gone from part of the solution to part of the problem. But I've got a pretty good excuse for being so lackablogical. You see, there has really only been one thing going on for me in the past five weeks: CPE.

Yes, CPE. No, not the shiny, gold robot from the "Star Wars" movies. That's C-3Po. That is him in the picture, to my left (with my right-hand man, R2-D2), but that's just because I can't really post any pictures of CPE, and my visit to the Science Museum of Minnesota's "Star Wars" exhibit last weekend was more visually interesting, anyway. CPE is short for Clinical Pastoral Education, a 400-hour internship in a clinical setting that's required for those seeking to be ordained in the Evangelical Lutheran Church in America.

Most Luther Seminary students who take CPE take it during one of their first two summers as a student. Since I didn't make it into any CPE sites last summer, I knew for more than a year that summer 2008 would be CPE Summer 2008. And, frankly, I didn't look forward to it. Thanks to the various gasps, moans and more articulated expressions of pain that I have tended to hear from my fellow students who had already taken CPE, I figured that this summer was going to be pretty awful. In fact, it goes back even further than that. Ever since I decided to pursue ordained ministry and I heard about this CPE thing (from my dad, with his own expressions of pain), I have worried about what it would be like to spend 400 hours visiting patients and families in difficult situations and dissecting those experiences with other students.

I have waited several weeks to say this, just to make sure I was really getting the full perspective on CPE, but today was the midterm evaluation, so here goes: CPE isn't that bad. I know there are plenty of people who have had experiences to the contrary, but I have to say that, for the most part, I'm actually enjoying CPE—so much so that I can't rule out the possibility that God might be calling me to chaplaincy. Sure, that might have something to do with the fact that the experiences I've had so far are less harrowing than what others have faced in CPE, but, as my supervisor helped me to realize today, it probably has something to do with the fact that I'm actually finding myself to be capable of this aspect of ministry ... the aspect of ministry that has frightened me most!

I should offer some specifics. The CPE program in which I'm enrolled is at Mercy and Unity hospitals in Coon Rapids and Fridley, Minn., respectively. I spend most of my time visiting patients in the cancer/medical and cardiovascular units at Unity Hospital, and I'm occasionally on call at both hospitals (thankfully, my pager has kept itself exceptionally quiet). I also take part in group sessions with four other students, three of whom happen to be classmates at Luther Seminary. It's a great group with a great bunch of supervisors, and I've already learned a ton—about pastoral care and about myself—in the first five weeks.

The part of CPE that has really amazed me is the relationships. For starters, I have met some pretty extraordinary people whose capacity for hope in the midst of great hardship is genuinely inspiring. And as I've entered into relationships with people in particularly difficult times, I've come to forget about myself and my own fears enough that I can focus on their fears and bring them the comfort of a God whose perfect love casts out fear. As I have assured them of God's presence, I myself have felt God's presence more strongly than ever, bringing me strength and allowing me to do things I never really thought myself capable of doing, from blessing a baby who died before birth to leading a family in prayer around the body of a departed loved one. In the face of fear and loss, the power of relationships—with family and friends and certainly with God—becomes powerfully clear.

And despite the difficult moments—there are certainly difficult moments—I'm managing to find joy in this experience that I dreaded for so long. After all that anxiety, who would have thought that I would find myself to be the least anxious I've been in years? As I told my group today with no small amount of awe, CPE has brought a kind of balance to my life that I haven't felt in a long time. I go to the hospital each morning with a certain joy, and I go home to Tracy each evening with more joy than ever. It ain't over yet, but "CPE Summer 2008" so far has been fun after all—fun and extraordinarily fulfilling (blog shortage notwithstanding). And you know the best part? It very well might turn out to be that point in my life when I knew beyond a doubt that I was meant for ordained ministry.