Where Do You Get Your News?

Five Valuable Life Lessons from the Sun Tabloid Magazine:

1. If your antique coffee table is haunted by a ghost and disrupting home life, moving the table to a warehouse or storage facility can remedy the problem.

2. Chocolate is better than fluoride at keeping your teeth healthy, so dash a little cocoa on your toothpaste.

3. Pam Anderson says her marriage to Kid Rock crumbled because they didn't "sit down and read books all night, which I love to do". It seems that story time is the key to a healthy marriage.

4. The end times are near. An angel appeared to Nostradamus in 1536 and warned him that America would be involved in a hopeless Middle East war and North Korea would pretend to abandon its nuclear weapons program. A female Antichrist would be revealed as Benazir Bhutto, who would join with bin Laden (who she had been hiding in her home for three years) to give the world over to Satan. (We can't blame Nostradamus for his inaction, though. He probably didn't know what America or nuclear weapons were and figured the vocal prediction of a female Antichrist could offend and dismantle the foundation of the church: women.)

5. Oh. And the world's first rocket belt is ready for take off.