Boston of my Salvation

There is a certain weightiness that comes with uncertainty about the future. I would be writing a paper, or walking to class, or reading a book and anxiety would cut across my consciousness. "What about next year? What are you going to do?" These near random bites of angst would distract me from the task at hand, quickening my pulse for that fretful moment, like an imp pinching my ear, pulling my head aside.

My shoulder imp of anxiety was Clinical Pastoral Education (CPE). And each time this gremlin would claw my brain I would begin to twitch with doubt: "What if I don't get a CPE site this summer? Then I'll have to do CPE in the fall. Then I won't be able to take a full class load. Then I'll have to take an extra semester of classes. Then I won't get financial aid. Then I'll have too much debt. Then I won't get a congregation and I won't be a pastor!"

This characterization of my thought pattern is a bit exaggerated but I think it captures the irrational nature of my fear. An uncertain future unsettles our present.

This uncertainty hit its high after I had sent out all my applications and I waited for a response. I was totally at the mercy of the CPE supervisors. As the acceptance letters came in, however, I felt my fretfulness letting go. When I knew what was going to happen tomorrow, I could focus on today.

Beth-Israel Deaconess Medical Center in Boston invited me to join their program and I sent my deposit in as soon as I could. That's where I'll be headed this summer. I look forward to continuing my education there.

What if I hadn't gotten a site, however? What if my efforts at securing my future let me down? Would I be forever chained to the monster of undetermined days yet to come? Why were all my eggs of hope in that CPE basket? Would that be a trustworthy place to put them? The snares of the devil so easily entrap us.

As I continue to walk through this life Luther's understanding of sin, i.e., sin is our distrust of God, makes more and more sense. Going to Boston may have given me assurance and new life for the moment, but ultimately that rest is only found in God. God's faithfulness is my unchanging future whether I'm in Boston, St. Paul, or Pennsylvania.